Wed, 24 Sep 2003

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i think there's something wrong with me

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(I am thinking of Dr. Gonzo from "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," a raving caricature of Oscar Zeta Acosta, the renowned Chicano lawyer.)

...you have demonstrated your ability to achieve excellent grades and evaluations in a most demanding curriculum. Equally important, you are recognized as being someone who sets high standards, who is compassionate toward others and someone who is of high moral character. Given these qualities, we sincerely believe that you will be a leader in your chosen profession and in the community you serve.

You would think that hearing something like that, I'd at least be somewhat happy. I mean, sure, it has tweaked my perspective a bit towards the positive side of things, but I'm not ecstatic. All I can dwell upon is the fact that it's not a sure thing, it may very well be ephemeral, and it may not mean anything.

I can't seem to hold on to even a tiny spark of joy. Everything drifts away in this mournful, howling wind that is, perhaps, my soul screaming.

I can't seem to get over this tired feeling, this feeling of being beat down, beat up, kicked in the chest, and then being left to lie down on a rock. There's absolutely no reason for it, but I'm flailing hopelessly like a dying small animal impaled on a spike.

I can't seem to swim out of the deep. There's an undercurrent that keeps pulling me down.

Honestly, though, I can't seem to break out of this. I feel like I'm trapped in layers upon layers of cellophane. I can see to the outside, and I can move around all I want, but I can't get out, and I'm eventually going to run out of air.

Whatever.

So this week I have resigned myself to the sad fact that I am going to be alone for a long, long time, because there doesn't seem to be anyway out of this morass I'm in. Every time I step forward, the wind and the waves just blast me back to where I started, and the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that sooner or later there won't be anything to run back to.

The only thing I can see is oblivion in every direction. This sheer blank nothingness.

I just can't get outside of myself. I've got myself locked up in a trap real good, and the only way out seems to be to give up and die.

I just want to lie still right now.

Man. Autumn just really gets me down. All I can really do is hope that something outside of me changes. All I can really hope for is someone to reach out a hand. I clearly cannot do this by myself.

20:53:07 24 Sep 2003 > /soul > permalink > 0 comments

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