Sat, 11 Oct 2003

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obsessive compulsive disorder

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The thing that sucks is that I really can't stop thinking about it.

In the end, I am afraid. In spite of my big talk about being able to handle whatever comes my way, being willing to ride out the steep plunges and arduous climbs of life, I am afraid, and I worry about what will happen to me.

The thing that scares me are those moments that grind me down, that smash me into submission, where I feel paralyzed and unable to function. The worst part of this is that I know I could survive them if there was someone I could lean on. If I can rely on someone to help me bear the load for the harder parts.

Instead, I feel like, between me and the deep, dark oblivion of failure and defeat, is nothing. Anything can push me over the edge.

In contrast to real life, where it's not the fall that kills you, it's the sudden stop at the end, I know that my friends won't let me hit the ground, emotionally speaking. I have a lot of really good friends who provide the last line of defense before I sink into that morass of depression and hopelessness. But what I am afraid of is the fall. My friends are like the firemen who hold the trampoline at the bottom of a burning building. They can only help me if I jump, and I'm scared shitless about jumping. Why can't I just stay where I am, and try to make it from here?

I am afraid of the part where I have to watch the stone roll all the way to the bottom, and that I have no recourse but to roll it back up again, inch by backbreaking inch.

Every time I fall, I have to reinvent the wheel and start from scratch.

Now I know that being in a relationship might be more problems than solutions, but I cannot, for the life of me, help but feel that I'm missing something huge. That whatever potential that lies within me will remain fallow, that I will never become all that I can be.

Times like this, it's hard to see the point.

And yet, I know, I know, that I must go on, and fight the good fight. And I know, if I'll only be true to this glorious quest, that my heart will lie peaceful and calm when I'm laid to my rest.

17:56:13 11 Oct 2003 > /soul > permalink > 0 comments

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