Wed, 15 Oct 2003


i said it before and i'll say it again

<<reverse < index > forward>> elephant is faithful, 100 percent.

But that is beside the point.

Every day it seems like I am less and less able to get done whatever I need to get done. Whether this is due to the waning levels of sunlight or to some other psychological derangement remains to be seen.

But I have observed something.

While, being a creature with a Y chromosome, I am at times moved by certain endocrine influences that are barely held in check by some rather sophisticated neural machinery (read: driven by lust), whatever you might think, this is not the prime motivator of my wants and needs.

I've mentioned this before, but it really hits home these days: family is really important to me.

I was reminded of this when my brother and my sister came to visit me the other day. But I am also reminded of it daily, as I observe the family dynamics with some of the patients I see, and when I come home at the end of the day to A and E's family.

I think this is the greatest factor that is keeping my head above water these days. Back in Chicago, I was coming home to an empty house, or worse, a hostile environment. For the longest time, I couldn't remember what it was like to belong to a functional household. How important it is that, after a long day at work where you are beaten down, you can come home and recharge, and talk to someone who actually gives a crap about how you're doing. (Again, I need someone who has a stake in what I have to say.)

Partly, it's because I am beginning to regard one of my roommates as human toxic waste. Partly, it's because there are, sadly, many socially incompetent people entering the field of medicine through my school, and I've made very, very few friends in my five years in the Midwest. Partly, it's because I have been betrayed in the past, and it's hard for me to open up to other people.

I know. Excuses, excuses.

But, truly, I have not been in the most ideal environment.

So now, I sit and ponder, trying to figure out what exactly I want out of life, and I weigh the price of attaining what I want, measured in pain and suffering, against the happiness I might experience, and so far, the price seems too high.

Unfortunately, the world we live in really does operate on the principle of "pay to play," and the longer I wait to ante up, the harder it will be to stay in the game.

There are no clocks ticking. But I just don't want to wake up one day and realize that there's really nothing left to do but wait for the eternal darkness to take me.

22:45:19 15 Oct 2003 > /soul > permalink > 3 comments


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