Sun, 30 Nov 2003

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Yes, your eyes are not deceived. It is in fact 3am Central Standard Time, and I am come from a rescue, though I knew it not until it was accomplished. The smell of drear smoke hangs onto me. (I think to myself, where is the rhyme, the reason.... But that is neither here nor there.) It has been a while since I went out onto the streets, had a few drinks, smoked a few cigarettes, an awkward moment, the meaning of my presence not registering until it is told to me baldly to my face, and, if I were someone else, if I were not who I was (and, I wonder idly, why is the subjunctive mood going out of favor in the English language?) I might suppose that I have but to wait, I have but to set my own terms, and they will come to me willingly.

I am rambling, with too much drink in me, despite the fact that I have a job to do tomorrow, I have duties to discharge (and I suppose that is a pun, albeit a weak one, and too circumscribed in its audience of who would understand it.)

And I am speaking in riddles, caught up in the fantasy world that I have immersed myself in for the past however many days, unwilling to face the world as it is. I have always been unwilling to face the world as it is, always wishing it were something else, something better.

But such is my Fate.

My blood is afire, for what, I do not know, the chance has long ago passed, why is it only when I am not-wanting am I given what I had long desired?

On the other hand, it most likely means nothing. And yet there are hard truths that I cannot reconcile with my certainty that nothing ever goes right.

I cannot change who I am.

Really, it does not matter, except that my mind is addled, disturbed by the interruption of sleep, of jumping upon the chance, the risk of the unknown. I was not troubled, and so of course the course of the evening turned until I was troubled.

It has been staring at me blankly to my face for a while now, something that I dare not grasp, have been warned against, and yet, it is there, even a blind man like myself, I can see it is there if I wish it.

I desire, and yet, something unnamed holds me back. I do not understand.

Enough crypticness. Hopefully the world of dreams will sort it out for me. Or not. Such is life.

01:18:15 30 Nov 2003 > /soul > permalink > 1 comments

comments

Name/Blog: Olga
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003469757274
Title: Aww! Love the pictur
Comment/Excerpt: Aww! Love the picture coprimason. I actually almost title one of my recent posts, I Can't Have A Baby, I Just Had a Blog in response to my in-laws pressures to give them grandkids when all I can focus on right now is writing my book/building my baby blog and being a decent wife. HA!

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