Thu, 15 Jan 2004

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because I'm such a depressive motherfucker, I really need to keep track of these rare moments. let it be known, at this particular, specific moment, I am happy. (surely this is one of the signs of the apocalypse.)

one of the things I learned from The Lord of the Rings is that (to paraphrase Gandalf the Grey) to break something in order to find out what it is is, well, stupid. so it is with some trepidation that I meditate upon what it is that makes me happy at this particular point in time.

one: the end of the tunnel nears. at some point this year (crossing fingers, barring complete and utter catastrophe) I will at last attain the pay-off of my five year self-imposed exile to the frozen wastelands of the midwest. it's so close I can fucking taste it. goddamn!

two: I think I know where I want to go. regardless of whether I make it there or not (because these things are entirely out of my hands), at least I feel I have very well-thought-out reasons for wanting this, which jive very well with my gut feelings.

three: I feel OK by myself. I mean, yeah, it's great to have other people around. It's really nice to have someone to talk to once in a while, but, well, this is my personal sophistry philosophy: we are all journeying on this road of life, each with his or her own special destination. whether or not we share the road with another at some point is not entirely of our choosing, and ultimately, at some point, your road will always diverge. so the most you can hope to do is stay true to your companions while they are with you, hurry along to your destination when they are not, and not to waylay anybody as they, too, try to make it home. hmmm. the end of the journey is always home, whether you know it or not. (as I am wont to say, this is what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.)

four: sunlight. need I say more?

five: the art of not wanting. maybe it's just the happy pills completely killing my sex drive, but, hey, I'll take what I can get (or more accurately what I'm not getting.)

six: I think E (my friend, not the drug) really helped me get to the heart of why I am alone. nothing is going to change until I go for it, and I can't go for it until I'm ready. and I'm not ready. but I'm learning to trust myself. In slow, measured steps. and someday, I will trust my own judgement about how I'm feeling, and someday, I will know that I am ready. until then, all I can do, all I should do is go with the flow. the current has gotten me this far, after all.

seven: music. no further comment.

cheesy songs as I drove up the I-5 that put a smile on my face:

"The First Cut Is the Deepest" by Sheryl Crow [iTMS][lyrics]

"The Flying Song" by Colin Hay [iTMS][lyrics]

"Love's Divine" by Seal [iTMS][lyrics]

23:46:04 15 Jan 2004 > /soul > permalink > 0 comments

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