Tue, 09 Mar 2004


fear continued

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How do you dispel fear? By confronting it.

But I think I am more afraid of facing this fear than I am about the hallucinatory prospect of facing a hostile army with superior weaponry (OK, I'm seriously reaching for metaphors here. I clearly need help in more ways than one.)

Seriously. I think I would be less afraid to jump out of an airplane. Less afraid to go swimming with sharks. (OK, maybe I'm lying there. Maybe that's the problem. I'm just a big coward.)

You know, though. There really hasn't been a time when I've actually completely given up on anything. Sure, as time passes, as events occur, as I sit here paralyzed by fear, the probability of things going my way rapidly approaches nil.

Intellectually, I realize that the end result doesn't matter at all (as Immanuel Kant would probably say.) Whether I achieve what I set out to do or not is not the point. The point is that I do it and face my fear.

But right now I can't, even though I don't know what I'm waiting for. I know the longer I wait, the worse and worse it'll get.

I don't know why I'd rather be doomed instead of facing up to my fears.

Nobody ever died of rejection.

And still, I will sit on my hands, waiting for my hair to turn gray, waiting for spring to turn to fall again, over and over again, until one morning, it just won't be worth it to wake up.

A thousand tomorrows of never facing up to what I fear.

Zeno ain't gonna save me now. I don't know how to break this up into small, non-threatening things. This is the leap of faith, the jump off the precipice. Do or die. Do or do not, there is no try.

Damn it.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow, it's gonna change, but nothing's going to change if I don't do a damn thing about it.

I have this knack of knowing that I'm going to get run over by a train, but of not being able to do anything about it. Very Wile E. Coyote-esque.

I don't know. The more pressure I put on myself, the less likely I'm going to do anything about it. I guess the time is not right. And maybe the time will never be right.

I admit it. I just can't do it.

01:12:22 9 Mar 2004 > /soul > permalink > 1 comments


Name/Blog: Adilson
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003469660482
Title: / Sorry, I want
Comment/Excerpt: / Sorry, I want to tell you a lot of things! Thank you also for sinngig my arm during the autograph sinngig and I hope you saw my banner of HI I'M AMY during your concert here in Manila. :)) You melted my heart during the show!! You brought me to tears when uou sang Heaven. Maraming Salamat David. Mahal kita! :)

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