Fri, 12 Mar 2004

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not quite right

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The problem with me is that I always try to find something wrong.

It's been a long time since I've just been content. Happy with the way things are going, and not worrying about how things are going to turn out.

I've realized that I've adopted a very Kantian attitude to life—I believe that I should do things for the sake of doing them, and not as means to an end.

I try not to let the future freak me out. But it's either one thing or another.

Either the terrible unknown lies in wait underneath my bed, in anticipation of waylaying me with unforeseen tragedy and adversity, or I can only extrapolate a featureless, meaningless, gray timeline, where everything is the same day after day, and life cease to have purpose, a pointless exercise of going through the motions of daily living.

Either way, it makes me want to stay in bed and never get up.

In an abstract, intellectual sense, I know that I'm wrong. No one really knows what the future holds—as Ren Hoëk once said, "Maybe something good, maybe something bad." I wish I were wise enough to believe it, though. I wish I could believe that life will neither be utterly terrifying and dizzingly out-of-control, nor completely homogenized, predictable, boring, and pointless. That somewhere in between, there's something that, while filled with some surprising potholes and bumps now and again, won't lead me off into a yawning chasm or straight off a cliff into the sea.

I know that there's no happily ever after, but I wish I could at least believe that the universe is unfolding the way it was meant to unfold.

Which reminds of this, which, for some reason, despite a couple of years of trying, I still can't internalize it.

If someone could just tell me that everything is going to be OK, and actually make me believe it.

22:15:48 12 Mar 2004 > /soul > permalink > 3 comments

comments

Name/Blog: David
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003440363109
Title: dAluNfpdIknM
Comment/Excerpt: Kala oti einai aderfi einai orenafolo .alla einai toso ksefonimeni na isxyrizetai oti i Kaneli tou askise prwti swmatiki via????Ase pou i Kaneli 2 lekseis na pei ton exei tapwsei to mapa giati n askhsei via? An k einai toso aderfi pou xalara ton exei tou´╗┐ xeriou tis i kaneli .Malista pisteuw den antapedwse ta xtypimata giati fovithike mh toy xalasei to make up

Name/Blog: Delfin
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003440651425
Title: Bn5CpPQ88y
Comment/Excerpt: EYGE! ARISTA! Ayta ta logia pragmatika<a href="http://njxldoktfb.com"> nizomo</a> oti ksipnane kati mesa mou. Eytixos pou akougontai kai 2 koubentes antrikies mesa sta mourmourita kai sta misologa pou mas zonoune. Koubentes sta isa xoris aloioseis EYGE! Sta opla reeee ksipnate gamoto mas anoigoune ton lako re

Name/Blog: Insha
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003440904063
Title: ZEiTV25SGo
Comment/Excerpt: skioula 06/02/2011 einai akoma konta mas mesa apo tis mousikes tou gary moore s'agapame ps. gt <a href="http://fiiknit.com">kanaens</a> den anaferei pote to empty rooms??? kathe pou to akouw anatrixiazw!

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