Sat, 26 Feb 2005


serious mental problems

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Tomorrow is my first day off in 12 days. Without question, I believe that this has had a negative impact on my emotional status. This morning I had to all but drag myself out of bed and get into the shower, and I showed up to work 15 minuntes late, thinking of nothing but of the hour when I would get out and free myself from the shackles of daily drudgery.

The pathetic thing is that I only have one day off and then I get to go back to work on Sunday for 30 hours straight. Yipee.

There comes the question of "quality of life."

I reminisced about what was possibly one of the hardest months of my life. Dealing with death. Feeling responsible for death, even when realistically, there was nothing I could do. How I have willingly allowed my soul to be scarred. Like standing in front of the avalanche, trying to stop it with brute force, even though I know that it is utterly hopeless and futile.

And yet mental anguish has never managed to kill me. Debilitate me to the point of uselessness, perhaps, but I have never been able to take the knife to my chest and end this suffering. For better or for worse.

What I wonder is how you can lose something that you never had. It is with a heart-wrenching, sinking feeling that I have come to one of those moments that are simultaneously a hello and a goodbye. Those brief few hours spent with each other, exchanging inanities. Dreaming to myself what will certainly never be.

I didn't even have time to descend into my morbid self-doubt.

But yeah. Before I even got to know her, she's going to be gone. I doubt that the cumulative amount of time I've spent with her has equalled up to an entire day in these past three months, enough to make me wonder, but certainly no where near enough to know.

I suppose I should be content with potentiality, rather than demand certain hopelessness.

And I can't help but feel my life is going in neverending circles.

And still, I persist in claiming that I don't need anyone, and I'm perfectly fine here on my own. Which from a purely rational perspective is entirely true.

And yet there's this feeling of aching emptiness which I can't help but curse as ridiculous.

I suppose it's like being an emotional amputee. Feeling pain from a phantom source.

There's nothing to see here, folks. Just a tired young man who thinks he's a 109 years old.

Cryptic, I know. It's the best I can manage at 2am.

02:12:43 26 Feb 2005 > /soul > permalink > 2 comments


Name/Blog: shit
Comment/Excerpt: shit

Name/Blog: donna
Title: aussiecompers
Comment/Excerpt: im donna im going to kill someone help me

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