Wed, 20 Apr 2005


less than single

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For various reasons, including a conversation this morning of which details I will elide at this point in time, I am feeling extraordinarily alone today. It could be simply because I've run out of one of my medications. I still have plenty of the other one, and I think taking it on its own might have simply unmasked some of my bipolar tendencies. I found myself laughing out loud a lot today, and, like the stereotypical manic, I went on an absurd shopping spree, spending money I definitely do not have. Then, of course, I would have histrionic dialogues going on in my head. (They're not voices, damn it.) I've probably swung between abject depression and ludicrous joy at least seventeen times today.

And despite all this, despite the fact that I have to wake up in about four hours in order to work for twelve hours tomorrow, I cannot sleep. I've even taken some Valerian root, and the remnants of the previous psychotropic medication I was on (which is known to be sedating. Kids, don't try this at home.) If this doesn't work, I'm going to have to resort to some Benadryl, which always makes me feel like crap in the morning.

Kids, just say no to drugs.

But, yeah, let me tell you, while I had a good time this morning, and the conversation I had was mostly fun, parts of it confirmed to me the fact that the world is a dark and ugly place. In fact, I'm still digesting the story that was told to me, at times agonizing over the global scope of it all.

It's all fucked up.

At this stage in the game, there has been nothing left but to mull over my past history of unrequited infatuation. The woman from whom I was forced to leave precipitously, although in any case, I was, and no doubt will be, firmly ensconced in the hope-destroying Friend Zone. The woman who is going to the other side of the continent before I got a chance to know her (perhaps fortunately, since it prevented me from having morbid thoughts of not having a chance with her.) The woman who I didn't think was my type, who I ended up finding that we had a lot in common, and who rebuffed my advances, and with whom I'm still friends with, who is getting married soon.


It's nice to not be tied down, nice to not have to fulfill anyone's expectations, but it would also be nice to have someone waiting at home. Or to have someone with whom to wait at home for. And it's terrible when you get so sick of the monotonous solitude that you don't even want to hear yourself think anymore.

There does not appear to be anything new under the sun. I am once again chewing the cuds of my frustrated desires. As if the world wasn't already full of more important, more pervasive tragedies.

This sucks.

Well, hopefully the Valerian is kicking in, since I'm starting to yawn a lot. I'd hate to end this on such a down note. All I can say is, trite as it sounds, tomorrow is another day, and anything can happen.

00:21:47 20 Apr 2005 > /soul > permalink > 0 comments


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