Wed, 28 Sep 2005


approximating sanity

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a summary of the rather depressing conversation I had with BD the other day:

so he indicts me for having a rather boring and empty life, which I can only agree with. that's just how it is. the thing that is troubling is that I really don't have the wherewithal to do anything about it. now I know that no one is going to rescue me from this downward, toilet-bowl-flushing-like spiral, so as far as I can extrapolate into the future, I'm just pretty screwed.

sure, it's a defense mechanism. because I'm pretty much done with dealing with rejection, having had extensive experience with the process. so I've pretty much decided that I'd rather not meet any new people. solves a good percentage of my problems with dealing with humanity. my rationalization is that I'm barely able to keep up with the people I already know anyway.

but they say no man is an island, and I know deep down this is pretty pathological. I guess I try to cope by trying not to care, by detaching myself from the situation. so if someone doesn't want to hang out or talk to me, oh well, such is life. it's not like I'm not usually busy anyway.

so BD hopes that things will be different in 5 years. for one thing, he's sick of hearing me tell him the same old shit. definitely in terms of my emotional growth, I haven't changed for the better in the past 5-7 years. in 5-10 years, he anticipates embarking on what CB once called the hetero-normative consumer pathway—the American Dream, the lifestyle that includes 3 bedrooms, 2 bath, a 2 car garage, and 2.5 kids. ah, married with children. he'll be telling me about the not-sleeping-because-the-kid-keeps-crying, the dirty diapers, the teething, and all the stuff that I'm bizarrely familiar due to my job, but which I don't really anticipate being able to put into practice in my own private life. now I'm not one to call anything impossible, but I wouldn't exactly bet my life savings on the possibility of being in a similar position in 5-10 years. (Lord have mercy on my convoluted sentences.)

the reality is that I know that this can't possibly continue on for that much longer. realistically, something drastic is going to have to change, or I'm probably going to be dead. sucks, and I hate to be alarming, but I can't envision much else happening in the long-term future.

21:42:08 28 Sep 2005 > /soul > permalink > 4 comments


Name/Blog: Uhuy
Title: ZJyvy2Iay2ko
Comment/Excerpt: Hi Keelin,You can register the kids on the day you airrve at VBS if you want to. I'm not sure why the form isn't on the website. I will try to get it uploaded before the end of the week. If you have questions, call me at the church: 208-773-4621. We look forward to your kids coming! Thanks!

Name/Blog: Samuel
Title: atttw0Q7F
Comment/Excerpt: Elvin Patches I do enjoy the manner in which you have fermad this specific difficulty and it does provide me personally some fodder for consideration. Nevertheless, through everything that I have witnessed, I simply just trust when the opinions pack on that men and

Name/Blog: Sonu
Title: I5eHReWVqxR
Comment/Excerpt: May17Timea I think that this absolutely<a href=""> vieras</a> from person to person. Living just by grammar rules is of course wrong, but there are people like me who feel more confident knowing' that the grammar is right. I might still make mistakes but when I start learning a language, I like' to focus on grammar. I just love' to take it apart and put it together by pieces. I like' to understand' why thing work a certain way. I could never learn a language by repeating words and saying set expressions without knowing why I am saying them in that way. I speak 4 languages, learning my 5th now, Korean, and I am really frustrated at the lessons that the teacher is just not willing to tell me difference between two noun endings, that are supposed to mean the same but when I try making my own sentence using either of them, she always corrects me, saying no, you have to use the other one here. But why? What's the reason this ending is OK here and the other is not when they are supposed to mean the same? In order to be able to make my own sentences and develop, I need to understand the reasons, I need to be able to figure out why I use a term here and not there. That is when the whole puzzle falls into place. being able to converse following imitation of what you hear is nice but that's just a monkey job. You acquire a language when you actually understand the structure. native tongue is different, acquired languages are different as well, because you will inevitably compare stuff to your native tongue, you cannot just absorb the new language like you did with the native tongue, as then you had no set of rules to abide by. But once you mastered the native tongue you will think like your native tongue set your minds to, so you won't be able to just take in a language and learn it as if it were your own. Impossible in my opinion.Anyways, deal with grammar first works out pretty well for me but of course speaking is very important too, if people have a chance to practice

Name/Blog: Raja
Title: Gmax4 / David th
Comment/Excerpt: Gmax4 / David thank you so very much for all the gifts you have given to us! This snippet is just amlnazgiy beautiful. I cannot wait to hear BEGIN.!!! I know every song will be a gem! Your voice and soul are always just GOLDEN!Thank you Kari for taking such good care of the fans while David is touching the hearts of others. You both are just the best of the best!

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