Wed, 12 Oct 2005

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voiceless

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so it seems that I have lost my voice. I woke up this morning and didn't realize that I didn't have one until I went to buy coffee. Huh. I guess that's what is unique about living alone (this is the first time I've ever done it) I can go for nearly three hours without having to utter a word to anyone. Even in the household where I hated one of my roommates, this wasn't really possible.

it is, I suppose, a little sad and pathetic, but, hey, we're not going to dwell on that today.

all in all it's been one kind-of fucked up week. Depressingly, I again had to stand by while a little kid died. I had traded a Saturday call (because I was deathly ill) and this past weekend I had to pay it back.

now I realize I can be disgustingly blase about death. It is truly a defense mechanism. I made it through the night by not thinking about it, even as I wrote orders to increase the morphine and start Ativan, and OK'ed not getting labs and even not getting vital signs. I even slept for a good three hours. But then I got up, wrote 8 progress notes, when the attending let me go home, and thanked me for taking care of the little kid who was dying, and I know I really didn't do too much. The aura of depression was palpable in the unit, and I walked out of there sadly, and by the time I made it to the cafeteria, it hit me.

I realize that my life has been stripped bare of emotion for a long time now. I don't remember the last time I cried, I mean, really cried. And, yeah, it's all a defense mechanism, because I'd probably be crying continuously about how fucked up this world is. But that's all I really wanted to do, with all the busywork done, and all that was left to me was to go home with another little bundle of sorrow tied to my heart. Even then I wouldn't let myself do it. The tears came, but I squeezed them back. How else are we supposed to survive this stupid life otherwise?

I find myself thinking about that little kid for a little bit every day now. I didn't even really know him or his family. I met them for like 15 minutes, and I blundered into their room with all the grace of a blind, ataxic elephant. And here's this kid who can't breathe, who is suffocating because of malignancy, and there's nothing I can do about it but stare like a stupid oaf. There's nothing I can tell this family that has suffered horrendously. I'm completely useless.

I can't even bear to think about that kid's family. It tears at the flesh of my heart. It's physical pain, and it's not even my own pain. I just can't imagine it. It sucks. That's as articulate as I'm going to get about it.

But yeah. I guess I had to vent that. It sucks not having anyone to talk to about it.

So, yeah, this is why I say with regards to a lot of things that it doesn't matter. Because if it did, then it would just hurt way too much, all the time.

17:32:00 12 Oct 2005 > /soul > permalink > 4 comments

comments

Name/Blog: j.
URL:
Title:
Comment/Excerpt: hey cuz, i relate to the lack of emotion. i was either baseline or really happy. with stace's departure, i'm full of emotions again. amazing. emotions do exist. find them. but you'll only find them after a good cry. and i did.

Name/Blog: Mohamed
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003439945927
Title: vxTX2bntEMR
Comment/Excerpt: April 3, 2012?? ???? ???? ???????? ???????..In Chaucer's Canterbury Tales (1392), the Nun's Priest's Tale is set Syn March bigan thritty dayes and two. Chaucer pralboby meant 32 days after March, i.e. May 2, the anniversary of the engagement of King Richard II of England to Anne of Bohemia, which took place in 1381. However, readers apparently misunderstood this line to mean March 32, i.e April 1. In Chaucer's tale, the vain cock Chauntecler is tricked by a fox.In 1508, a French poet referred to a poisson d’avril (April fool, literally April fish ), a possible reference to the holiday. In 1539, Flemish poet Eduard de Dene wrote of a nobleman who sent his servants on foolish errands on April 1. In 1686, John Aubrey referred to the holiday as Fooles holy day , the first British reference. On April 1, 1698, several people were tricked into going to the Tower of London to see the Lions washed. The name April Fools echoes that of the Feast of Fools, a Medieval holiday held on December 28.In the Middle Ages, New Year's Day was celebrated on March 25 in most European towns. In some areas of France, New Year's was a week-long holiday ending on April 1. So it is possible that April Fools originated because those who celebrated on January 1 made fun of those who celebrated on other dates. The use of January 1 as New Year's Day was common in France by the mid-sixteenth century, and this date was adopted officially in 1564 by the Edict of Roussillon.In the eighteenth century the festival was often posited as going back to the time of Noah. According to an English newspaper article published in 1789, the day had its origin when Noah sent his dove off too early, before the waters had receded; he did this on the first day of the Hebrew month that corresponds with April.?? ???? ?????? ???????? ??? ?? ????? ??. ? ???? ?? ??? ?? ???? ?????.?? ????????? ??? ??????? ??? ???????? ??? ??. ? ???? ?? ???? ?????? ???????? ???????? ??. ????? ???? ???? ????? ????? ??????. ??????? ?????????? ???? ?? ?????? ???? ????? ?????. ?????? ??????? ???????? ??????? ?????? ??. ??? ??? ????? ??????? ???? ?????? ?????????? 1 ????? ????, ??????? ?? ?? ???? ????? ??? ???????? ?????? ?????? ???????? ?? ????. ??? ??????? ???? ???????? ??????? ??? ??. ??????? ???? ???? ????????. ?? ??? ?????? ???? ?? ????????.. ??????????, ???????? ???. ?? ????? ???????? ??. ????? ???? ?????. 0 likes

Name/Blog: Dukagjin
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003441028713
Title: hiVVOCs3fDd
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Name/Blog: Mohamed
URL: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003469741053
Title: With havin so much w
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