Sun, 14 Sep 2003


27: third time pays for all

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It really sucks that after 25, birthdays aren't nearly as good. The big 3-0 just looms a little too close, and you're not old, but you're a little too old for the club (to steal a line from Chris Rock.) When the age difference between you and a Playboy centerfold approaches a decade, you know things have got to change.

I am a bitter, bitter man.

But at least i have energy. ('cause once you get tired, you will get sucked down into the vortex of hopelessness. It's like a treadmill. Or trying to outrun a crumbling bridge, Indiana Jones-style. You've just got to keep moving even if all your muscles are turning your blood into battery acid.

I will not bitch too much about the fact that (despite the sincere apologies and excuses) three different women declined the invitation to hang out on my birthday.

I give up. There is no use swimming against the current. I might as well enjoy the ride.

I must say that dinner was pretty good. You can't really go wrong with sangria. But we hit the liquor a little too early, and by 1:00am we were mostly non-functional. It was a good thing that we went home when we did, because the remainder of the evening included a good number of blank spots. Like, I don't remember how i got into bed. The last thing I remember clearly is throwing down a throwpillow onto my hard wood floors and lying down because the floor was so cool and I felt like I was burning up. Oh, and drinking out of a Pyrex measuring cup. I think I was honestly trying to read Perl documentation in my drunken stupor. When I woke up this morning, I found at least thirty webpages open in my browser.

To help me get to sleep, I do remember putting "Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now)" by Nine Inch Nails on repeat. "Nothing can stop me now, 'cause I don't care anymore."

The red hot anger and bitterness has dissolved into morbid apathy and brooding self-loathing. None of this matters, really, and all I'm doing is torturing myself.

As my oldest friend once advised me: Fuck it.

There are things I need to take care of, and while, it's true, my future does rest upon me getting these things done, if I don't, I don't.

I feel all stretched and thin, and there ain't any more slack left to pull on. Times like this, if you don't want to snap in half, something has got to give. You've got to let go, and fall, and pray to God that you'll hit the ground running.

Only hope can keep me together. Love can mend your life, but love can break your heart. (Thank you, Gordon Sumner.)

Whatever. There are worse things in life than being alone. I guess.

22:31:51 14 Sep 2003 > /soul > permalink > 0 comments


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