Fri, 10 Oct 2003


i need to stop but i can't

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Excellent quote from Incidental Findings:

At this point in my life, my romantic aspirations total to this: I'm looking for a girl who will let me feel her up occasionally.

But, you know what, given my borderline personality, I'm tired of being desperate. If I can't have what I want, then I don't want anything at all.

In the wise words of my oldest friend: Fuck it.

The aggravating thing is that I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Despite all the things I have going for me in my life, despite the fact that I love what I'm doing, and that I've liked all the people I've worked with who aren't from my school ever since 4th year started, and that I just recently found out that I kicked ass in 3rd year, and that I have finally come to accept that, all modesty aside, I'm a pretty sharp guy, the likes of whom you probably won't meet very often. (Hehe, that's probably the cockiest thing I've ever said. I'm still lacking a little bit of common sense, but I cover for it a lot with bravado.)

I mean, sure, I can blame our society that pathologizes being alone, that creates these standards of beauty that not everyone can attain (especially if you're not white), that has somehow fixated on the somewhat artifical construct of the nuclear family (because, in most of human history, and still extant in developing countries, it is the extended family that is the most important social unit. The way I see it, the nuclear family is only useful for the sake of biology.) But I know what the problem is. I let it get to me.

It's like this one fly in the ointment. This single gaping hole, a septal defect in my soul, if you will.

I mean, sure, it's not like I'm not experiencing a little bit of pressure from my parents. I finally got that freaky phone call from my mom where she's demanding that I get married soon, because she's sick of worrying about me, and wants someone else to have to worry about me instead. Which is incredibly insane since I haven't dated anyone in an obscene amount of time. It was also kind of depressing talking to my parents. Maybe things have changed now that two out of their three adult children have decided to move back home, but when it was just the two of them, they both independently, in completely different contexts, stated that, at the age they're at, there really isn't that much left to wait for except to die. This immediately got me to thinking that, shit, they need grandchildren.

(The idea of my sister bringing life into this world absolute horrifies me. But I'm sure that will pass, when the time comes.)

And it doesn't help that I've done 6 weeks of pediatrics, and I'm living with a family who has a 3 year old.

There is a part of me that I can't submerge, that wants, against all odds, to be a father.

This is not very compatible with the Art of Not Wanting, and my resolution to enjoy life on my own.

Still, I recall what A said to me once upon a time: It's not like you have to be married to have kids.

No, well, it's more than that.

Despite the fact that I know she probably doesn't exist, in the deep, dark basement of my soul, I still secretly hope that I will meet the girl of my dreams. I have no idea what she looks like. I have a feeling, though, that she has long dark hair, that she likes singing, that she is creative, and funny, and smart. And that while we will have terrible, raging arguments from time to time (see my bizarre take on love), no matter what happens, we will always have a feeling of certainty that this is the way things are meant to go, despite all the warty and hairy parts of life, that, no matter what sort of mean things we might say to each other, the fact is that we understand each other, and we know that we understand each other.

I have a feeling that she will make me a better person, not by changing me, but by recognizing what I can already do, even though I don't know it now.

But this is all pointless.

I've got to be practical here. I've got to focus on the here-and-now, and take care of what needs to get done before I start dreaming.

I have to play the cards that were dealt to me as best I can. Such is life.

But I won't back down. That's the problem with borderline personalities. It's all or nothing. Give me liberty or give me death. To dream the impossible dream.

I'm playing against Fate here. To steal a phrase from a song by Sting, the sacred geometry of chance. And if that magic number never comes up, so be it.

17:26:38 10 Oct 2003 > /soul > permalink > 0 comments


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